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Violent J's Weekly Freekly — 2002, September, 11th

A fresh feature of flavor here on the new "Weekly Freekly" is a weekly look from the inside as seen through the eyes of Violent J.


Whut up yall? It’s me Violent J again here with my fresh ass Weekly Freekly a lil' late but still great. Because this whole last week was basically a stale one for me and Shaggy, which consisted only of non stop studio, editing, studio, editing, and studio, this weeks Weekly Freekly is going to have to be different to still be fresh. So here is what were going to do. I’m going to tell you guys 2 different stories. Both stories are fresh, (I think) but not both are real. One of them is fake and one of them is real. Some time, on the ICP hotline this week, I’ll announce which one is the real one. So it’s up to all yall to guess for now. I’m gonna be checkin’ the Juggalo websites and all that, and all you guys that right for them, be sure and just mention which story you think is real, if you can. That would be fresh. I’m also gonna be online talkin’ to some ninjas every now and then. I want to see what you guys guess’s are.

If you ain’t in much of a story mood, I’m sorry that our past week was so lame and boring, but next week I’ll be back with another fresh, regular style, in detail Freekly Freshness.

“Lord Zoltar - G.W.F. Champ”

Holy fuck man. This was fuckin’ awesome. We were playing a show in Wichita, Kansas, back in 97 or 98. I‘m guessing it was 97, because we‘ve been talking about this moment for years now. We had just got off stage and we were back at the hotel getting cleaned up. When we tour, we usually have about 4 or 5 hotel rooms for our whole posse. We’re always running from room to room, back and forth all the time, so people are always knockin’ and all that.

Well, this night, me, Billy and Rob were all sitting there watching something on TV when somebody knocked on the door. I jumped up and opened the door and sat back down still watching the TV, never looking to see who it was. Was it Rudy? Shaggy? Maybe Nate the Mack? Nope, not this time. Little did I know, but I had just opened the door to Lord Zoltar the mother fuckin’ G.W.F. World’s Heavyweight Champion, but I soon found out. I heard a deep wrestler sounding, super heroish voice say “Hello there boys”. I quickly turned around and looked towards the door and there he was... A fuckin’ full fledged, mother fuckin’, professional wrestler. He immediately introduced himself, “Hi, I’m Lord Zoltar, the G.W.F. World’s Heavyweight Champion”. What could I say? I was speechless. Not only have I never fuckin’ heard of any Lord Zoltar, but what the hell is the G.W.F.?

He was standing right there in my hotel room in the flesh. Believe it or not, he was wearing a pair of black spandex trunks, a fringed up “Rock & Roll Express” style cut off, black T-shirt with tassels, a fuckin’ black pair of fuckin’ patent leather, wrestling boots laced up fuckin’ knee high, two Ultimate Warrior style arm ties tide tightly around his arm flabs, don’t forget the fuckin’ Road Warrior, “Legion Of Doom” style face paint and even, yup you guessed it, the gold shiny strap. The G.W.F.’s world title which looked kind of like a frying pan connected onto a weight belt somehow.

Before I could react to all the freshness standing before me, Billy and Rob jumped up and got this ninja the fuck out of our hotel room before he suplexed somebody.

I quickly called Shaggy’s room in hopes of Shaggy possibly being able to catch a quick glimpse of the human spectacle that had just walked into my room. Shaggy quickly looked out of his window, but all he could see was the champ pulling off in his car. At least it wasn’t a total loss for Shaggs though. He did however get to see one fresh thing out of Lord Zoltar... as The G.W.F. World’s Heavyweight Champion was driving off, he stuck his arm out of his 80’s Escort window and busted the fresh ass, Jimmy “Superfly” Snucka Peace and Love sign just for Shaggy!

“Revenge of the Nerd”

I knew this kid named Noel. We hung out a lil bit from the time I was about 16 to 18. He was lame as fuck, just like his name. He was only fresh once a year or so.

Anyway, I was maybe 16 years old and I had just met a bitch. Back then bitches came few and far in-between, so I was gitty as hell. I never hit it or anything, but we did do a lil kissing which was the shit to me.

Well we had been going together for maybe a week or so, when I suddenly came down with Tonsillitis. I used to get that shit, really fuckin’ bad until I finally had them taken out later that year. So I was flexed and I couldn’t even hardly breathe. I was hemmed up at the house for about 2 weeks or so. They whole time I was sick I was steady wondering how my girlfriend was doing. I hadn’t talked to her because I really couldn’t talk. I was fucked.

When I got back on my feet, I went and seen my girl, but she was acting shady about something. Finally she told me, that while I was sick, Noel’s faggot ass was creeping over there and fuckin’ her. I was hurt because this was like only the 3rd or 4th bitch I had ever kicked it with.

I didn’t know what to do. Should I beat Noel’s ass? I shouldn’t beat his ass, because homies should never fight over a bitch. Then again, Noel ain't my homie, or he never would have fucked her. Finally I decided what to do. Wait on it. That’s exactly what I did, for almost a year and a half. Then once Noel least expected it, I took my action of revenge on him.

I called him up one day. “Noel, whut’s up dog, listen me and Joey met these 2 hot ass bitches on Gratiot Ave last night. They wanted us to come over, but Joey had to go up north for the night so I’m looking for somebody to come with me. These hotties live way the fuck out, but they said that if we come out there, they’ll cook for us, fuck us and all that good shit. Are you down to go out there with me tonight?” Fuck yeah he was fuckin’ down. Ha.

A few hours later, I picked Noel up in my mom’s car and I had him pay to fill up my gas tank, and we headed out. Good times I tell ya. That was a long ass drive. I hour, 2 hours, 3 hours and then at last, there we were. In the middle of absolute nothingness. Finally I stopped the car. We were parked on the edge of a fuckin’ cliff over looking Michigan’s wild up north wilderness. Noel said “These bitches are meeting us here? What? What are they mountain climbers? What the hell kind of place is this? Nobody fuckin’ lives out here Joe!” I dropped the bomb on him... “I know, so get out.” He was like “huh”? I pulled out my trusty can of mace that my brother Rob had given me from the Army. I was like “Get the fuck out of the car or I’m gonna mace your ass. This is my revenge for when you fucked that girl I was going out with when I got sick a year and a half ago. So just take it like a man and get the fuck out. Don’t make me mace you Noel, I would just beat your ass, but I don’t feel right about that, because we hang out so much and all. Plus it’s mad easier to just mace you from right here ‘till you get out.”

Needless to say he got out and I turned around and headed the 3 long hours home. It was dark as fuck. I must have been at least 5 miles from the nearest pay phone.

Fuck ‘em though. He’ll be alright.

I Never seen Noel again, but I hang my “Noel” magnet every Holiday season on my refrigerator. And I always take a moment out while sipping on my eggnog to wonder weather or not Noel is still walking around the Michigan, Upper Peninsula outback. He prolly looks like fuckin’ big foot now-a-days. Revenge. It hurts the most when your victim least expects it. Remember that ninjas.

Peace Juggalos. Enjoy the new track! It’s about yall!

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