|Violent J's Weekly Freekly — 2004, February, 12th|
HANGIN FUCKIN' TUFF WITH JORDAN
However, I wasn’t about to miss this freshness. Man, and wow. He fuckin' truly, honestly, sincerely fuckin' sucked. Look y’all, I don’t know shit about singing, especially some old bullshit-ass, new kids shit. But I do know about shows and performance. And he fuckin' sucked fuckin’ badly. His voice? He sounded like he had a whistle stuck in his windpipe. Every time he sang, everybody squinted their eyes and looked around at each other like, "what the fuck man?" And his sound system was the best. It sounded like a lil clock radio playing into a police megaphone. I couldn’t believe it. Tickets were $30 fuckin' bucks too.
I went with my homies: Brother Al (who also happens to be Zug Thug Syn's brother), our homie Glen, and a lil hottie to remain anonymous. All of them wanted to leave, but I refused. I wanted to see this fresh ass spectacle. Nothing was going to stop me. He was too fresh. Jordan Knight. Wow. He was dancing when he first came out. He had on a black fuckin' T-shirt and some jeans. He had nothing on stage with him at all, just him and himself. Oh yeah, he did have a stupid-ass homie with him. His hype-man, who was also the guy that hit play on the Karaoke tunes Jordan was singin' off of. They didn't even have a backdrop banner with his name on it or anything. All they had behind them was the Magic Bag logo, the one that's permanently there at the Magic Bag. Fuck man, his singing, man that shit was dreadfully awful. He admitted he had a "bit of a cold" but that was just an excuse he kept using to explain why he was downing so many "cups of tea". When, in reality, those cups of tea were no doubt actually cups of hard proof, heavy liquor that he needed to survive his own staleness. That's my speculation anyway.
He was so fuckin' stale he didn't even do the New Kids dance. Instead his fuckin' lame ass homie did it. How stale is that? Jordan sits there, sippin' whisky, while his boy is bustin' the fuckin' Hangin' Tuff. He sat down on a stool and sang for the whole second half of the show, purely because he was too tossed off that juice to stand anymore. That fuckin' show sucked and fuck that. I would've easily appreciated a good live show, no matter who's puttin' it on. I always do. I might not like Kid Rock, but I've seen him turn some shit straight the fuck out, live. I can respect anybody's show if it's dope. No matter what kind of music or what place in music they hold. But the fact in this case was that Jordan Knight fuckin' sucked man, flat out. Fuck him and his lame ass homie if THEY think that shit was dope. Because it wasn’t dope. It fuckin' sucked. THAT WAS ME AND MY HOMIES’ OPINION.
NOT all of his fans agree though... And that I can respect.
I had a great time with the people there that night. What was fresh was watching the people in the crowd, and talking to them. Half the reason we went was to see who would be there to see this guy live. Who the fuck loves Jordan Knight? And we found out and, much to my surprise, they were fresh people. Man that was fresh. First off, it was all chicks… ALL chicks. Ages 25 to about 35. All of them were chicks. And there was a couple homos floatin' around within' the bunches of chicks. That part sucked. And more than 75% of the chicks there were mad fat chicks. Nothing against mad fat chicks at all, I'm just telling you what I saw. As a fat dude myself I can respect and appreciate a fat chick. And obviously, a lot of fat chicks respect and appreciate Jordan Knight I guess. Mad fat chicks too.
As I looked around at all the people singing along with Jordan Knight and loving it, I thought about it all. These people were fresh because they had loyalty. Loyalty… think about that. When the New Kids were hittin' way back then, millions and millions of little girls loved them to death. So many, it's sick. And, somewhere among all those millions of young girls were these people. Then as time went by, 99.999.999 percent of them girls ALL MOVED ON from Jordan and the rest of the New Kids without ever so much as looking back once. If they ever did end up looking back, it was only to laugh at them. And yet these people here at Jordan’s lil show stayed true. They wouldn’t stop loving Jordan Knight until Jordan Knight gave them a real reason too. It ain’t Jordan’s fault the world grew up on him. All those years went by, all those changes in music. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and then everything else, all the way up until today’s Outcast, Justin Limberloo, and Nello. These people still love Jordan fuckin' Knight enough to fuckin' pay $30 fuckin' bucks to watch him sit, drink, and sing Karaoke. That I respect. ICP once had two albums go platinum in a row, now we only sell about 250,000 each time out. I can respect loyal listeners.
After the show, Jordan and his boy weren’t yet finished gettin' paid. They sold fresh VIP tickets, at $75 bucks each. What do you get with the fresh VIP ticket, you ask? You get to stay and get his fuckin' drunk-ass autograph. Freeeeesh. Well, we stayed. We got to stay and hound dog FREE, because we got homies at the Bag. Me and Brother Al are up at the bar when it was all over and Jordan was finally done signing the 100 or so autographs, when we got to meet him. He came up to the bar and ordered a beer. I said, "Hey man, what's up brother? I have a question, I'm with a group called Insane Clown Posse and we paint our faces and rap, have you ever heard of us before?"
He said, "Yeah, I know who you guys are, ICP Right? Yeah, I had that one record with the Jerky Boys on it. Truckload of a 1000 Pussys... that shit was funny dude. Yeah I loved that one. That was good stuff man."
I was like, "Woah, man check this out, me and you, chillin' at the bar. Guy from ICP and the Guy from New Kids on the Block, hangin’ out... that’s fresh.”
Jordan said "Yeah, Hangin' Tuff..."
I laughed and said, “Yeah man, and think about it, you and I take 2 completely different routes in music, like night and day. That's kind of fresh we're sittin’ here havin' a bottle of hooch."
He said "Hell yeah, that is kind of cool man..."
I Felt like I should be following him into the bathroom and muggin’ his ass or something, but he was too fuckin' cool. Fuck it.
Then I asked him if he was on tour, or what, and he basically explained to me that they were touring, but not really, just doing a few shows here and there. They were even traveling by car. I couldn't believe he was on tour by car. Jordan Knight of the New Kids on the Fuckin’ FAT-ASS RICHY HOUSES ONLY BLOCK. I thought, "Not even a fuckin' van man? Shit we got a cargo van they can borrow, it still says Bizaar on it and has me and Shaggy’s faces on the side, but if they don’t mind that, it's theirs for as long as they need." Then I remembered he didn't have a fuckin' thing on stage with him except for a stool, and even that belonged to the Magic Bag. So what would he need anything but a car for? Just him and his fuckin' lame-ass boy riding around (in a corvette probably) gettin' paid (CLICK THIS)
Me and Jordan talked for about 5 minutes or so, and then his homie came up and gave me their phone number. And I thought about givin' it to y’all, but I don’t know if anybody even wants it. Well if anybody wants it, I got it, hit me up.
He was actually a fuckin’ cool guy standin' there chillin' with him, but he fuckin’ sucked that night on stage, and probably his homie’s dick later that night in the ‘vette on the way to Toledo. EWW AGH.
WANNA HEAR SOMETHING INCREDIBLY FUCKIN DOPE??? SCHOOL’S IN.
Hope y’all ready for some flavor. Just when you all thought it was over. You thought you, as a Juggalo, had been deemed too much freshness with the coming of Dark Lotus. You thought that the Hatchet Fam couldn’t get any fresher. YOU THOUGHT WRONG… HIT THE BONG, AND PASS IT ON. You have yet more coming. Another fuckin' spoonful of medicine, another hit of that bomb shit. Our news taking away your painful blues. Ladies and genitals, get ready to nut your panties and boxers as I drop a neutron bomb upon your face. I will now peel back your wig so far back you will find it all the way at the heels of your feet. You are about to get schooled like a college professor. I’m going to… fuck it here it goes. I announce to your very eyeballs, right here and now, the return of…
Cell Block, Foe Foe, Lil Shank, Bullet, Full Clip and the introduction of Converse and Sawd Off. The Psychopathic Rydas.
Yes Bitch! That Pure Gangsta Shit! Over Stolen Instrumentals. WOW. We don’t stop. New album and show ALL at the Gathering 2004. Byatch. What. Check your nut hairs, kid, because they just got peeled. And YOU HEARD IT FIRST IN MY WEEKLY SPEECHLESS FREEKLY.
Just listen to this. Last week at the Asylum, TNA LIVE, on Pay Per View, (LIVE! That's so fuckin fresh that it's actually live. That's more like seeing it in person, seeing it happen live, even if it's on Pay Per View as long as it's happing live). Last week live on Pay Per View, me and Shaggy beat Disco Inferno, err sorry, he's just Glen Gilberti now, and his stale-ass partner David Young last week who fears clowns like a fag fears women. We beat them around like they were pillow wrestlers. I even made David Young cry for real. Me and Shaggy even double-dropkicked Disco's head from both sides and popped it like a grape. We won the match with our finishing move. It’s what we call the "Lotus Cross" - my top-rope Moonsault-Flip and then Shaggy's top-rope fresh-ass Leg Drop simultaneously on the same ninja. Poof! Bang! One, two, three, pin. Ask David Young who is still laying in the ring as we speak.
TNA is taking a week off of live TV this week, but next week on Wednesday, February 18th, we’re back on Pay Per View again. Or live in person for those fresh enough to be there, depending how fresh you find it all. Our opponents this time? Shiiiiit we don't even fuckin' know. We have 2 mystery opponents lined up. They have been sent to destroy us by NWA TNA World Champion Jeff Jerrett. It really don't matter who he sends anyway because the same thing happens every time. They come towards us ready to fuckin' lock up, pro-wrestler style, and we bust their heads with pipes. Same thing, different promotion.
The Juggalos that show up for the events, live at the Asylum in Nashville every week, are the fuckin' best. For real… they’re off the hook. They been there 3 weeks in a row so far. There was a few less each week, but it's still packed all the same each time. They make TV look so hype from down there. And the TNA only fans show love too. They’re just not as amped about us as the Juggalos are, that’s all, but they still do show love. The Juggalos go nuts though. Sometimes they blast TNA with ICP chants and songs right through other matches and whatever. You gotta see it to believe it. It's not a bad time at all. Bring ya partnas and a sign, get krunk, get into the other story lines too. Pick wrestlers that you feel should get Juggalo love and then y’all give them love, and boo the ones that don't get no love. Just do it together, fresh-style. ENJOY YA JUGGALO LIVES TOGEATHA. This is how I look at it all... this whole TNA thing... it's like ninjas finally got a chance to see us, trippin’ and being ICP once a week on TV, right from within their homes. Me and Shaggy are fuckin' loving this. We're all geeked up and wearin' something different each week. 2 Tuff Tony is with us, and Rudy Boy. Man we look forward to Wednesday Nights. For Reeeze. We talk the death outta Blaze, Jamie, Killa, Monoxide, and Fritz in the studio all week about our TNA adventures.
Listen, even if it’s on Pay Per View, ninjas can at least be gettin' it once, taping it and showin' the matches to your Juggalo homies, whether it’s over the net or whatever. That way other ninjas can get to see it free. The point is, if you really wanted to peep our TNA matches every week, you can. They’re out there. And they’re fresh so you should peep them. TNA is fuckin' fresh, and we rep the Juggalos hard in TNA. Just don't say nothin' when we take their fuckin' tag belts home to JCW for the Gathering. And then quit and run away with them and keep them for real. And sell them on EBAY. Whoooooo!